I have been betrayed! There is a horrid game afoot. All those years that ice cream, cake, and pie told me they would be there for me turned out to be true! They are there for me, right there on my giant fat butt. I knew ours was a forbidden love. Mutually exclusive between them and my size 12 jeans, but I never thought they would betray me and make me cry.
You know that feeling. A long trusted friend and ally, they must not be THAT bad for you. Well, they are. They aren’t your friends, they are wolves in sheep’s clothing. All they want to do is make you look like a beluga whale and never allow you to zip up your skinny jeans again!
Ok, so I am being a little melodramatic, but if I felt betrayed by the food, I felt bitch slapped by the scale. When I went to the gym today, I wore my lightest gear, took off my shoes, and even went to the restroom before braving the beast. (Come on, you know you do it too!) One perspiring foot at a time I surmounted this familiar foe. Thinking to myself it can’t be that bad.
Started out with the slider on the 150 lb mark and started to move the smaller slider until it kept going and going. Holy crap! It hit the end and STILL was too light. Dang it! Now the pulse started to race a little. Begrudingly I moved the big marker to 200 lbs, and ever so gingerly tapped the smaller one until it was level. TWO HUNDRED AND TWO POUNDS! This can’t be right, I’m getting punked right? Where’s Ashton?
As the scale balanced itself at this horrid number, I used my xray vision to burn that 200 in the back of my retinas. I hadn’t seen this number since I was PREGNANT, and by God almight I vow to never see it again!
Stepping off the scale, I pulled up my obvioulsy XXL big girl panties and set a determined trail to the elliptical trainer. The scale might have made me cry, but I was going to make this elliptical machine my bitch!
The elliptical machine and I have a good long standing relationship. We are like old dance partners. It only takes us a few steps to get back in sync with each other. As I climb onto my old reliable friend, I begrudgingly put in that horrid 202, set my time to 30 minutes, and start going like a mad woman.
The people at the gym must’ve thought I was nuts because, I was probably muttering under my breath the whole time. “Stupid fricking 200…. what the….this is crap…I’ll show that scale….”
As the sweat started to poor down my face, I realized something positive. Fat girls burn more calories! Within minutes I was well over 100 calories burned. Rock star! The playing field with that nasty scale just might be leveled yet.
My work out was winding down, and I was feeling victorious in my quest. I looked down at the calorie counter and I had burned over 260 calories. Oh yeah, uh huh. Take that scale!!!!
Now I know that this victorious workout out is just the start, but never fear I have an awesome set of workouts lined up to keep me in line. For those of you with bad knees you are going to be excited! All of my workouts are geared towards folks like you.
For the next few weeks, this is the amazing workout routine that is going to be my life. This cardio workout is going to be my ally to showing that scale who’s boss. Check it out!
So who’s going to join me in the rebellion against the scale? I want to hear it! Have your favorite snacks betrayed you? Better yet, how are you going to get the scale to beg for mercy?