I am worth it.
Who ever thought four little words could be so hard? If you have ever suffered from an eating disorder, you understand exactly how difficult it can be to say those four tiny phrases. I am worth it. You have learned a lot about me from reading Crunchy Frugalista, but one thing I have never shared. One thing was too personal to let out there. I have never shared the fact that I suffer from an eating disorder.
I have been suffering from an eating disorder, in some variation or another probably, my entire life. Our house really didn’t have a clue what a healthy relationship with food was. Even with our unhealthy habits, my parents were confused why I developed an eating disorder and their other two kids didn’t. No clue why I did, but it’s been a huge part of my life ever since I can remember.
I hope in sharing my struggle and recovery process with you, that I might be able to help someone else that has also struggled with an eating disorder. Maybe you don’t think you have a problem, or maybe you just don’t know where to start. Where ever you may be, I hope reading about my life with ED will help you in your fight as well. Here’s my story.
JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER KID
Early in my life I was just a happy go lucky kid like anyone else. I rocked my bikinis and loved playing outside. I can remember at 5 years of age wearing leotards to dance class, and enjoying being me. As I grew older, something changed. It wasn’t one particular event, frankly I don’t remember exactly what happened, but I do remember when I started putting on weight. I remember precisely when I thought that I wasn’t a good person because I was FAT.
Around third grade, I started putting on the weight. I was only 9 years old and weighed almost 100 pounds. I had noticed I had put on some pounds yet it didn’t bother me. That was until other kids at school started to notice as well. That’s when the tormenting began.
I was painfully shy when I was a child, but also constantly longed for friends. My mom always said I had a tendency to friend people that were only there to use or abuse me. This was definitely evident in my 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade classes.
SERENADE FROM “FRIENDS”
During my 5th grade year, people that were my “friends” hatched a most evil plan. They thought it would be hilarious to get the whole school bus to sing the song “Fat” by Weird Al Yankovich to me. I played it off like I was in on the joke, but inside I was crushed. I didn’t feel worthy of friends because I was fat. I was something to be mocked and laughed at.
Later that year, even the little boy that had a “crush” on me yelled “don’t break the bar” as I was attempting the flex arm hang in gym class. Everyone that I felt I could trust, or that should’ve been there for me, made fun of me just as much as the other kids. I was devastated.
As my struggles with my peers grew, I turned to food. Growing up in a Southern family, I was always surrounded by food. It was everywhere. Every family event was planned based on which dish to serve, not what company to enjoy. It was only natural for me to find solace in the bottom of an ice cream bowl.
A BRIGHT FUTURE, MAYBE?!
At the end of my 5th grade year, my family found out we were moving to South Carolina. I felt a little glimmer of hope. Maybe the kids there would be nicer to me. Maybe I could find a group of friends that thought I was worthy enough to be liked. Maybe I wouldn’t have to worry about being called fat all the time.
That summer we moved to Aiken, South Carolina where unfortunately I still found ED waiting for me. (To be continued)
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This story is not meant to take the place of speaking with a medical professional. It is only my story, and is not meant to be medical advice