One thing I have never been in my life is a saint. Nope, not me. (I know this comes as a shocker). One thing you can guarantee that I am is honest, almost to a fault. I am one of those gals that may vent to my girlfriends about you, but if you ask me face to face my opinion you better not ask a question you don’t want to know the honest answer to.
This sometimes really doesn’t sit well with folks that don’t like people calling them on their stuff. You know, the girl that has a different face everytime she changes company. What about the girl that the only way you can tell she is being dishonest is because her mouth is open? These types of women REALLY don’t like women like me. In fact, it’s these types of toxic friendships that usually end up with me somehow being the bad guy.
If you happen to move around a lot like I do, when you tend to encounter this pattern over and over again it’s hard not to wonder if the behavior problem is yours. It can really give a girl a complex. What you have to ask yourself though is were you honest with the person about how you felt when you were asked about it. Would you say what was said in the presence of others to the person’s face? If the answer to these questions is yes, there’s not much else you can do about what people think you may or may not be saying.
For some reason a lot of women tend to love drama, and when someone gets in the way of that drama it upsets them. It causes them to find ways to take others down a peg or two. This is not a healthy relationship but a TOXIC one. If your friend doesn’t have your back regardless if you are there or not, it might be time to reevaluate that friendship. If that friend is not willing to talk to you directly about how they feel, again it might be time to find new friends.
Here’s a handy checklist if you are not sure if you are in a toxic friendship or not:
1. Puts you in an ackward position: If your friend uses your home or you as a cover for a lie, this is a big red flag that this is not a good friendship.
2. Lies to you all the time: When you can confirm that they aren’t being honest, time to get out. I am not talking the little white lies here, like if you look good in that skirt. This is for the whoppers about how she feels or where she was when she cancelled plans with you.
3. Nothing is ever their fault: If something goes awry and your friend is never willing to be open and honest about their part, someone has to take the fall, right? If they aren’t able to acknowledge their own faults, you can guarantee they have no problem spelling out yours.
4. Stories are larger than life: If she’s done everything you’ve done or been everywhere you’ve been and then some, she’s never going to let you shine. These attention mongers only have one person in their eyes, themselves. A friend like this lives off the attention and putting others down. Run. FAST.
5. Never has time for you: If your relationship is a one way street when it comes to getting together, phone calls, or events, you are NOT a priority. When you really need a friend, this kind of friend is no where to be found.
6. Always tearing other people down: When you are around your friend, are they always talking about others and tearing them down? Good people build others up, not tear them down. You can guarantee as soon as your butt hits the door, they are going to do the same to you.
These are just some signs of toxic friendships, but they aren’t always that obvious. A healthy friendship should be a two way street where both friends are equally wanting to spend time and support one another. True friends are also not threatened by others strengths or honesty, in fact they celebrate them.
It may be heard to learn to separate yourself from toxic friendships, but in the long run you will be healthier, happier, and more at peace with your life.
Have you ever had a toxic friendship? How did you let your friend know what they were doing was not ok? Did you ever have to end a friendship?
About Ashley Sears
what a great article. it is, indeed, good to look into your relationship with your friends and see who really are your true friends. Thanks for sharing this great read!
Lelanie, Thanks so much. That is so true. It’s really important to see if your friendships are healthy. Plus, it’s important to be honest with your friends. Passive aggressive behavior doesn’t help anyone.
I’m glad that I don’t have friends like these. If I get a red flag of some trouble like this, I usually start to disassociate myself from those type of people and keep it moving.
Yeah, slowly distancing yourself from them is sometimes the best option. If you have talked to them, and they don’t tell you anything is wrong or lie to your face not much else you can do!
Some great tips here. Sometimes we don’t realize that friendships, much like romantic relationships, can turn toxic!
Jenna, These tips could just as well be for romantic relationships as well. Toxic friendships can be just as damaging if you don’t watch out.
what a great and informative post!!
xo,
Sandy
Sandy a la Mode
Thanks, Sandy. Hope it gave you some insight.
I am a lot like you. If you ask me a question, you better really want the answer. It always bothers me when someone asks me something, I give them the answer, and then they get mad. If you want a liar for a friend that will sugar coat everything, you best look elsewhere.
Some people really just want someone to stroke their ego. That ain’t me.
Dawn
Dawn, See I knew we got along for a reason
Don’t get me wrong, I love building people up, but I am not going to say something’s a good idea when it’s ludicrous to do it.
What a great post. True friends stick out for one another.
Thanks, Cinny! I agree. True friends have your back no matter what. Next to your spouse, they are the ones you can always be yourself with!
I’ve distanced myself from a lot of people in my life. Including family. Sure I have a smaller circle of friends, but it’s not the quantity that matters, it’s the quality. I like to keep positive, upbeat people in my life. What I thought was interesting, is you focused on women. Men can be just as toxic, I’ve experienced it and distanced myself from them as well. Do you have a different list for men, or do you feel men fall under the items in this list as well?
Mary, you are so right quality is much better than quantity. As far as the women, I used “she” in lieu of “they” for grammar reasons, and honestly because most of my readers are women. It can MOST definitely apply to men. Men tend to do things a bit differently than women, but I think most of these still apply
. Great point.’
It is funny to me (and embarrassing) how many toxic relationships in my life I have fought to save. Thank goodness I am finally to a point, age maybe, where I don’t care about hurting feelings and I am not sad when someone doesn’t want to be my friend. I am finally strong enough to choose my friends without feeling bad about it!
No need to be embarrassed. I have had so many that I can’t even count. You just learn as much as you can and grow from it. Even after many toxic relationships, new toxic ones can sneak up on you before you know it. Recognizing it, and getting out before you are too involved is all you can do.
Thanks. Apparently I needed this. I was at an event today and this kind of friend was unexpectedly there also. I was feeling rather bothered about the whole relationship, and the situation today, then I come home and read this. It was helpful. I still don’t feel great about the situation, but I needed to hear this from another source, so THANK YOU.
Donna, it’s really hard when you have a friend that you care about that isn’t there for you. You want them to be the person you need and the person you think they can be. Stepping away can be really hard, but in the end you will find people that love you for you and accept you 100% Glad reading this helped you
, and hope it all works out for you.
Perfect timing on this post, thanks so much! I have so much going on, family, work, health issues etc. that it made me step back and evaluate the “friends” in my life. Your list just confirmed a few things for me. Great post!
Rhonda, Glad I could help. Life is too short to give this kind of stuff too much time. Hope life calms down for ya.
This is all of the above, right. I have a drama friend and she probably does of these things
Sent to my daughter, she could use it! We all can!
Shelley, hope she finds it useful.
I also had some friends in the past who brought nothing but sadness to me so I ended it too.
Great post. I had a toxic friendship that I kept holding on to and feeling really bad about. I finally cut the ties and feel so much better. At times I still miss the friendship we had, but I need to remember that what it has become turned toxic.
Those times do stink when you miss the friend you had, but you are right remembering what it turned into and why you chose to walk away makes it seem better.
Oh yes, I sure have! What I didn’t anticipate when I cut this friend free was how SAD I would be! Another friend told me to grieve it like any other loss – even though it was a good thing to get rid of, it still hurt (but several years later I am very thankful that I did it!)
That is great advice that your friend gave you. It does hurt. You mourn the loss of the friend you had, or thought you had, but in the long run you do notice that you are happier and it’s not worth having the drama. So glad you are happier now.
I have just recently been able to identify some toxic factors in some of my own relationships. This article helps identify some I hadn’t yet thought about.